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» DANIEL BERMAN // IDOLGEE! {cw}, dib // invader zim
daniel berman
 Posted: Dec 18 2017, 10:58 PM
quote
daniel berman
@lars

@swollen_eyeball: great work on being super on top of the haebitna baek kidnapping, media - oh wait no not so much. really great job to the police, though, thank you for taking all of the information from friends and family seriously and being so thorough. truly grateful.


cw: severe intoxication/alcohol poisoning; attempted sexual impropriety with a severely intoxicated person; mild implied homophobia; a forced outing; mention of actual humanitarian disasters/anger over mass death; a general lack of journalistic morals; OPINIONS on the Prequel Trilogy

Media
IdolGee Reporter/Disney Store Costumed Worker
O- / 200 cm / 90 kg
4/12/1985

Hobbies

researching aliens, researching space, researching vampires, researching fairies, researching government conspiracy theories, writing, keeping diaries, taking apart satellite dishes, cosplay

Likes

being right, conspiracy theories, going to bars, taking apart mechanical objects and almost putting them back together, bugging random rooms, horror and sci-fi films, rooftops, the stars, dressing up, going on stakeouts

Dislikes

fast food, sleeping, the alien scourge, his old high school nemesis Zim, his new nemesis Hana Baek, people calling him crazy, being arrested, people taking advantage of others

Player Name:

Lars

Other Characters:

Eunji Jong, Mani Phanthittra, Ji-Ho Won, Kyung-mi Kwon, Chastity Beavis, Won Byeol, Yu-ri Ohm

Contact:

PM, Discord
Daniel Berman
Daniel Berman
Diary Seven, Age 13
San Bernardino Middle Skool

No one believes me. What else is new, they never believe me, but this time - oh, this time. There is a new exchange student here, and I swear there is something off about him! A different kind of off from Gretchen. I apologized to Gretchen but no one really wants to accept it - whatever, screw them!!! This is important!

What kind of Eastern European name is Zim, anyways? Zim? That's the kind of name you only hear one of two places - a cult birthing ceremony, and space. That's right, I have finally found a living, breathing specimen of the greatest threat to humanity currently - Zim is an alien.

My dad doesn't believe me! It's infuriating. Everything I know is because of him. He taught me everything about zombies and aliens and Bigfoot - who I still saw in the garage! He was using the belt sander! But that's not important! Zim is totally from another planet. He was acting like he knew me but he doesn't know me, he's only been here like five hours! His parents seem super weird. I might have followed him home. They were very... fifties. He totally knows I'm onto him, he's been glaring at me all suspiciously since I locked eyes with him.

He's staring at me now. I get that it's kind of weird to write at a urinal but we are in the bathroom together and this might be where his communiques to his alien leaders are sent! Toilet technology can easily be taken apart and turned into such devices. My research has told me enough - toilets and computer wire. Thankfully no one is allowed to take anything out of the computer lab, or to be in there alone. (I know that it's technically my fault but my loss turned out to be the human race's gain in this case.)

Fuck I got urine on this -

SHIT HE'S GONE

Diary Eleven, Age 15
San Bernardino High Skool

Once again, my thoroughly researched and peer-reviewed (by the reputable figures of the Swollen Eyeball network) presentation that I gave for the science fair went unawarded by the small-minded rubes at this school. Does anyone even notice that school is spelled wrong outside? Do they even care? They gave the award to someone who made an Archimedes screw! Come on! Archimedes made that ages ago! I am running along the razor's edge of the most advanced theories on alien invasion and infiltration and I AM BEING IGNORED well they can't silence me forever. They can try, but they won't! I don't care how many times they have to suspend me and ban me from the biology lab!

My legs are killing me again. I know why - Zim has obviously put a curse on me, an alien curse. I confronted him about it the other day, and he just told me that I'd grown five inches in a few months and needed to think about what I was saying. I know I'm in puberty, I'm not a moron. But the pain in my legs is something else entirely, like my bones are being hollowed out. What if he's hollowing out my bones to fill me with something so that he can present me to his leaders?? I cannot think like that. I don't want to be ignorant of the realities of puberty - which is an infernal curse, I'm going to be six foot two in another week and I already am sick of ducking to avoid doorframes, was this school designed by a garden gnome - but this other more sinister purpose to my pain cannot be ignored.

--

I want to test out my recall. I had an interesting conversation with Zim today - interesting as in obviously ominous and foreboding. He will probably enact some sort of plan to - okay, no, let me attempt to recall everything he said word for word. I need to improve these skills if I'm ever to do proper research into the ongiong assault on humanity by aliens.

Zim: "I'm guessing a sweaty loser gremlin like you doesn't have a homecoming date."
Me: "I'm still going. Last year someone spiked the punch. Probably a first offensive in a mass brainwashing attempt."
Zim: "Yes, quite."
Zim: -weirdly long pause that makes me want to take out my diary to get him to go away-
Zim: "Something interesting might happen at homecoming."
Me: "...another brainwashing attempt."
Zim: "I'm just saying you should go."
Me: "You know something. If you care about the human race -"
Zim: "Oh my God, why do I even bother with you?"

He walked away then.

Clearly he's planning something major. Oh God - a dance - there's a lot of people at dances, and this isn't a very big community, oh god -

--

I was banned from homecoming. Apparently suggesting that a classmate may be trying to kill people at a school dance without "hard evidence" is not allowed. Whatever. I hope they all survive the evening! I'll just be -

The doorbell is ringing. Odd. I'm the only one here. My sister is at the dance and my dad is at work. He said that he didn't want to spend the night with his "poor deranged son". It's still ringing.

--

Zim: "You asshole. I could be at homecoming and now I'm babysitting some X-Files character."
Me: "You weren't banned. You can leave."
Zim: "I wanted to make sure you saw me in this suit."
Me: "It's definitely a suit."
Zim: "...you know Tak asked me to go to the dance with her."
Me: "She an alien, too?"
Zim: -weirdly irritable- "I told her no."
Me: "You sound like you wanted to say yes."
Zim: "STOP WRITING AND LOOK AT ME FOR FUCK'S SAKE -"

--

...Zim is more dangerous than I thought.

Much more dangerous.

...he almost looks beautiful, lying here like this.

Shit, he's stirring -

Diary Thirteen, Age 16
San Bernardino High Skool

Zim: "Can you stop treating me like your dirty little secret?"
Me: "...hello to you too. As you can see, I am trying to fix the transmission in my car -"
Zim: "I know. You aren't wearing a shirt, so I'm here."
Me: "Catch me at my most vulnerable. If only you didn't announce your comings so obviously, and blather about your plans so openly, you would be a formidable foe to the human race."
Zim: "...are you fucking joking right now?"
Me, still inside my goddamn car: "You say I treat you like a secret. I don't know what you mean."
Zim: "...I mean... us, Dan. What is us?"
Me: "...a pronoun? If you wanted to study for the SATs, Zim -"
Zim: "YOU ARE INFURIATING!"

--

Zim: "...I'm going to stop coming over here."
Me: "...okay."
Zim: "...can't you at least pretend to fight for me?"
Me: "I've spent this whole time fighting against you. What is there to fight for?"

He... started crying.

I don't know what he's doing. It's upsetting but I don't know why it's upsetting. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Zim: "YOU ASSHOLE STOP FUCKING WRITING, I - fucking forget it."

--

Me: "Why won't you talk to me?"
Zim: "I would say you're playing dumb, but you really are the dumbest person at this school."
Me: "I just didn't want you randomly at my house anymore, it's a security risk, what's the point of having an enemy if -"
Zim: "...you think that's what enemies do with each other, Danny?"
Me: "Don't call me that, I swear to God -"
Zim: "Oh! Suddenly you care when it affects YOU!"
Me: "Yes! Okay?!" -pause- "...I don't know why you're always mad at me."
Zim: "...you aren't playing dumb, are you."
Me: "No. I don't... I don't know why you do anything with me or to me or why you do anything at all."
Zim: "...I keep trying to show you. Because you don't get it."
Me: "...but why?"
Zim: "I don't know."
Me: "...I want to understand."
Zim: "...because you think I'm an alien, or because you actually want to?"
Me: "...that's my waist."
Zim: "Good call. I did pass biology. Unlike some of us."
Me: "It's so much less interesting than alien biology -"
Zim: "You are the worst flirt in the history of the universe."
Me: "Have you met everyone who ever existed in the history of the universe? Is that an admission of guilt?"
Zim: "Oh my God, Dan - maybe you would understand better if, for once in your life, you shut. up."

--

Zim: "Please just say we got into a fight. Please."
Principal Bitters: "You two were half-naked in a janitor's closet. Why should I do anything you ask?"
Zim: -glares right at me- "It's better than the truth."
Principal Bitters: "...you're both suspended."

--

Usenet Post
alt.users.swolleneyeball

AgentMothman

I can't believe I was taken in by an alien's lies!!!!!!!! Ugh! You guys are right, I'm not ready to be in the field. I have nothing to do for four days.

AgentDarkbooty admin

Did you get suspended from school again... you need to be more careful. You know the establishment is more interested in not rocking the boat than protecting its people.

AgentDisembodiedHead

You were taken in by an alien's lies???? I think we need to commence procedures for voting on whether AgentMothman is able to stay on the board.

AgentDarkbooty admin

AgentDisembodiedHead, if you propose to kick another member off the server this week, you're getting a week-long ban. AgentMothman, what did the alien do?

AgentMothman

...what haven't they done is a better question. They're in my head, everything they do, I don't know if it's a trick or if they're a human or alien or if they're somehow both!!!!!!! I can't stop thinking about them, it's driving me crazy~!!

AgentNessie

I hate to be the skeptic since AgentMothman's intel is usually of top quality, but why would you have gotten suspended for being confused about their intentions???? It's a common alien tactic to use against the less evolved minds of humans, I wouldn't feel bad about yourself. Also I echo AgentDarkbooty, please put more effort into your schooling.

AgentTunaghost

...AgentMothman, I'm going to message you personally, I think I just figured out how to help you.

--

Hello Daniel,

I actually live in your hometown. When I realized I saw your suspension paperwork in the office, I...

Daniel, that alien was trying to seduce you. I'd cut off contact completely.

Diary Sixteen, Age 18
San Bernardino High Skool

"Never thought you'd graduate."

It doesn't matter who says it, I've heard it about five times now at this party. I'm locked in a closet. I think people think that two other people are in here, they keep whooping every time they pull on the door and congratulating Gretchen. I am definitely alone in here, unless my beer counts as a person.

I don't even know why I came to this party. There isn't going to be anyone here I want to talk to. Everyone's just kind of shocked I'm here. I've made some small talk. I had a beer forced into my hand immediately so I guess I should just drink it? I don't know what to do. If Zim was here -

But he's not and fuck him anyways, fucking enemy to the human race, fucking... whatever the fuck he is. I'm gonna finish this goddamn beer and then I'm gonna have ANOTHER DRINK OF SOME SORT and I'm going to prove that I'm capable of living in society and being with people because FUCK HIM IF HE'S GONNA TAKE THAT FROM ME WITH HIS STUPID LITTLE SMIRKS AND HIS DUMB EYES AND HIS STUPID PERFECT HAIR FUCK HIS HAIR IT'S PROBABLY NOT REAL HAIR this is good beer

--

(some squiggles that might be writing??)

--

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

--

I THINK I JUST PUNCHED A COP IN THE FACE. oh shit no it's just Torque Smackey. shit I really thought he was gonna arrest us -

oh hey he seems cool with it! sure, i'll let HIM punch me as payback, that's cool!

--

...

--

Okay. I woke up in a bathtub this morning wearing someone else's jacket, which was obvious because it was two sizes too small. I was able to find my shoes, at least. What... I don't know what I was writing about last night. Something...? Did anything important happen?

I think my nose might be broken. It doesn't feel right, in any case.

But... that wasn't actually... bad. At all. Gretchen and her boyfriend gave me big hugs before I left, I am apparently friends with Torque now??? I don't quite know what happened there, he always ignored me in school. The football team is still at the house, I think they are all still drunk from the night before. I think I drank a case of beer on my own.

My sister seems less than happy with my state right n

--

Well, fuck, apparently I talked a lot last night.

And someone is at my doorstep looking less than pleased.

Maybe if I ignore him, he'll leave. Go back to the mothership or something.

I can't believe my sister called Zim, what the fuck. She is the worst sibling on earth.

--

THIS FUCKER NEEDS TO STOP THROWING ROCKS AT MY WINDOW.

--

Zim: "You FUCKING ASSHOLE."
Me: "Oh, you're a saint! I'm sorry I maybe talked about myself -"
Zim: "My family didn't know, Dan. I don't know if I'm going to be able to go back home! Because you had to start shitting on me - You couldn't keep your goddamn mouth shut, for just two seconds, you couldn't act like you didn't hate me for five whole minutes -"
Me: "WHY should I act like I DON'T hate you?!"
Zim: "...because you don't hate me?"
Me: "I'm pretty damn close to it."
Zim: "...you don't hate me..."
Me: "You spend all day insulting me, you randomly throw stupid interjections about your love life at me even though I couldn't give a shit about your love life -"
Zim: "...don't..."
Me: " - you do shit like THROW ROCKS AT MY WINDOW when I just want to be left alone, you never fucking leave my room when you push your way in here, you get me suspended -"
Zim: "You're no catch either, you garbage -"
Me: "LIKE THAT, WHY do you do that?!"
Zim: "You're an idiot. A fucking lunatic idiot who can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground -"
Me: "I'm much smarter than you -"
Zim: "Why am I mad, Danny?"
Me: "...don't... don't call me that."
Zim: "Why am I mad, Danny?"
Me: "Because I got drunk and called you a handsy cunt?"

...my cheek still stings.

--

Dear Garbage Boy,

Fuck you. At least you didn't call me an alien or an invader.

I really think you have no idea what this is about. And that makes you the dumbest motherfucker alive. I'm staying with Gary. Enjoy your new friends, you dick.

Diary Seventeen, Age 19
County of Los Angeles Courthouse, San Bernardino

LOS ANGELES COUNTY COURTHOUSE
TRIAL RECORD
THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA v. DANIEL CHARLES BERMAN
TRESSPASSING ON GOVERNMENT PROPERTY, ONE COUNT
ATTEMPTED BREAKING AND ENTERING, ONE COUNT

OCTOBER 31, 2004

A5. TESTIMONY - GENNIFER BERMAN, CHARACTER WITNESS

P. Please describe, in your own words, your brother's belief system.

GB. ...beliefs? He's just straight up nuts. It's obnoxious. I don't know what's wrong with him. All he cares about is finding aliens and saving the human race, but I kind of doubt he knows a thing about other people.

P. What makes you say that?

GB. ...everything he does? He's been taking apart satellite dishes since he was five, he's been kicked out of every science lab at every school he's ever been at, he's part of some weird-ass Usenet group for conspiracy theorists. And I mean, if he just did that and was kind of normal, it would be fine, but he's... he's crazy. He antagonizes everyone except when he's drunk -

P. Your brother drinks alcohol?

GB. Only to excess.

P. Your brother is nineteen.

GB. No one cares because it makes him not a sociopath... for once.

D. Objection, conjecture into my client's mental state by someone who is clearly not a licensed health professional.

J. Upheld. Change the line of questioning.

P. What I am hearing is that your brother has been known to be obsessive for years by those around him.

GB. Yes. He's annoying about it.

P. Do you know if any corrective behavior was attempted? By anyone in his life?

GB. ...I mean, mom's been dead for a while. Dad kind of... gave up on trying in high school. He's been suspended a couple of times. But he just goes on the Internet to rave about how no one sees the truth or whatever the fuck. There was a guy I thought would help, but Dan threw him under the bus for thinking he was an alien - I mean, if this kid was an alien, he was terrible at it.

P. Do you think he would commit this same crime again?

GB. Absolutely. I don't think he'd even see this as a crime.

D. Objection, conjecture.

J. Overruled.

--

A9. TESTIMONY - DANIEL BERMAN, ACCUSED

DB. Maybe the reason I keep pleading the fifth is because none of you even remotely understand what I am trying and have tried to do.

D. Daniel, please stop antagonizing the prosecuting attorney. You aren't correctly pleading the fifth if you plead the fifth and then insult the prosecuting attorney's intellectual capabilities.

DB. I'm smarter than the prosecuting attorney.

J. I will hold you in contempt if you don't answer his questions.

DB. -sigh- What was the question again?

P. -sigh- Why do you believe that Vazquez Biochemicals is the center of a massive cover-up of... I don't actually know this term?

DB. They clearly built their base of operations over a hotbed of extraterrestrial energy and are going to terraform the land beneath it, building tunnels to ferry supplies between other similar bases until they can launch a full-scale assault on the human race. The chemicals the government believes are being held safely there will likely be used as weapons against its own population.

P. ...okay. Daniel, what proof do you have of this?

DB. I've been studying extraterrestrial militant movement for years. It's a common invasion tactic -

P. What proof do you have of what you just said?

DB. I can refer you to multiple networks and documents being stored on the Swollen Eyeball servers of Usenet -

P. Conspiracy theories.

DB. That's a term used to disenfranchise the enlightened by a callous status quo.

P. You legitimately believe you did nothing wrong then?

DB. The sooner they are taken down, the sooner the human race can be eased out of the vice grip that outer beings have on it.

P. Answer the question, Daniel.

DB. ...I did nothing wrong. History will prove me right.

--

A11. TESTIMONY - PROFESSOR MARSHALL BERMAN, CHARACTER WITNESS (CALLED BACK BY PROSECUTION)

P. Your daughter claims that you gave up on disciplining your son for his various infractions?

Dr.MB. That is correct. I don't believe her claim is correct. There are many things children do not know about their parents. But... I had a feeling this was an inevitability, some day. I was hoping to send him to the military to cut it off, but then I realized he would probably be put in a position to do something truly catastrophic there...

P. What did you do to try and correct his behavior?

Dr.MB. One thing I would like to correct in your assumptions before we move on is the idea that my son is some sort of crazed lunatic idiot. My son is a genius. I encouraged his learning, my late wife encouraged his learning. But... I was reckless as a youth and saw his recklessness as a similar manifestation of a true gift. He has never understood other people, and I don't know if that's innate or the continued rewards I reap from letting him expand his mind too quickly at too young an age.

He's fixated on the idea of saving the human race from an outside threat. I don't know when the idea took root. The schools did what they could to keep him out of places where he could cause damage with his ideas, but the amount of burn marks and destroyed bookshelves in our house speak to how little that did. I tried directing him into other fields. He had... a friend. Who wanted to be an aerospace engineer. Maybe I foolishly thought that friend could fix him, or at least be somewhat of a good influence, but my son almost ruined his life, because he'd fixated on the idea that this... friend... was an alien invader from another planet and was trying to ruin his life. I kept the man from being thrown out of his home. I oftentimes have to go to houses to apologize for my son's behavior. No amount of telling him what I've done and what he needs to do really helps.

I am honest when I say I don't know if any amount of intervention could help Daniel. I really don't know what goes on inside of his mind, even though some of its outputs are breathtakingly beautiful -

P. Dr. Berman, I appreciate you being so honest, but... your son tried to break into a government facility to destroy very dangerous chemicals that could have leveled this whole town, is completely unapologetic about it, and seems likely to commit further offenses of a similar nature. All of the answers he's given in court suggest he not only has consideration for those he believes beneath him, but he has no understanding of others' very identities. He almost failed out of school, behaviorally and academically. I don't know that genius is the proper word for him, and your words sound almost... as if you are trying to shield him from something.

Dr.MB. ...is this about my son's sexuality?

P. That might be the only part of him I understand. No. It's absolutely not about who he may or may not be interested in - and your use of the word 'friend' is more indicative of your feelings than this faux outrage. It's about the fact that you are painting him as a poor wayward child when he is a man who clearly understands what he's doing and doesn't care even so.

Dr.MB. ...We will have to agree to disagree, Sir.

--

Dumb insolent fool boy -

I knew you were going to end up amounting to nothing, and I was right. I came back from college and wasn't surprised to hear you were in prison. Was it worth it, Dan? Was sneaking into that government facility really worth all of this? Do you ever think anything through, or is there a random blinking button in your head that goes off whenever the word 'alien' passes your lips that shuts the rest of your brain off?

I'm sure you're keeping in trouble in prison. No one better lay a hand on you. I reserve the right to smack the shit out of you when you get out and if I find out someone else has, I will kill them myself. But I'll avoid prison because I'm way smarter than you, I can hide my crimes.

You're lucky they didn't register you as a terrorist, you pigheaded idiot. That facility stores anthrax. You could've lost everything. You already lost something, and you're so dumb you don't even have words for what you lost.

I know you won't write back. You'd rather write to yourself.

Diary Eighteen, Age 20
San Bernardino Industrial Prison

I cannot believe I was unaware of a looming threat to the earth!!!!!!

I had to splash my face with toilet water before returning to the computer room after my discovery, but I was, indeed, not sleeping and did not need to be kicked back to reality. In Korea, there are mass brainwashing units called 'boy groups' and 'girl groups', similar to the threatened takeovers of similar groups in the US like NSYNC. The thing is, NSYNC collapsed when Justin Timberlake sold out the rest of the government shills in his band in order to achieve superstardom (an act of Randian selflessness that I both somehow deplore and appreciate). These bands move in unison. They think and act as one. They are the embodiment of the threat Roddenberry warned us about with his Klingons!

They are called Baby Girlz, they are based in South Korea, and they must be stopped.

--

Someone was waiting for me when I got out of prison. I assumed it might be my sister, or even my father (although who am I kidding, since he won't let me go back to live with him I assume he prefers me dead), but it was

Zim.

Did that dramatic pause work? I don't think so. I've been trying to work on my prose style. There's not much to do in prison except read and I can tell you I am a much better author and world-builder than Mr. John Grisham ever was. God those books were awful. Nothing caught my imagination quite like my reality.

He looked good. Northern California has done well for him. He looks far less alien, even though I am sure that blood still flows through his veins. When he first saw me, he commented on how bulky I'd gotten. I lied, there were two things to do in prison - lift weights and read. I was better at lifting weights than at not being angry at pathetically awful fictional books. In any case, I didn't understand why my most hated enemy, and a man who sent me nothing but taunting letters during the entirely of my yearlong prison stay, came to pick me up from said prison.

Until I recalled that he promised to smack me.

He smacked me.

After borrowing a stepstool from the corrections officer.

--

Zim: "I'm going back to school tomorrow."
Me: "You're studying aerospace?"
Zim: "There isn't anything on earth for me."
Me: "...you could go back to your mothership."
Zim: "Are you ever going to let that go?"
Me: "I thought you were never going to forgive me."
Zim: "Like you, I'm an idiot."
Me: -says nothing, eats more eggs-
Zim: "...what plans do you have?"
Me: "I just got out of prison, I haven't thought that far ahead. Probably going to finish this."
Zim: "Let's hope the next thing is help pay the bill."
Me: "I have forty bucks."
Zim: "That'll do."
Me: "...I saw this thing. In prison."
Zim: "Do I want to know?"

--

Zim: "It's a bunch of dancing Korean girls."
Me: "There's something about it. They must be from another galaxy. No one is that synchronized, no one can be that in-tune with the people around them."
Zim: "Just because you aren't doesn't mean others can't be."
Me: "...Zim, I know why you're here."
Zim: "Why am I here, Daniel?"
Me: "Because something in this universe keeps bringing us together. There's some reason it keeps happening, I don't know what, but... you feel it. Maybe I'll feel it. One day."
Zim: "...I want you to feel it."
Me: "Don't you have some sort of alien tech that can help?"
Zim: "...Shut up and kiss me, before I regret letting you in."

Diary Nineteen, Age 20
Gwangju Airport

I don't regret leaving in the middle of the night to track my newest lead - Zim thought it was ridiculous, but Zim is always inscrutable. Except when he's lying next to me, which is when he's at his MOST INSCRUTABLE. IT'S LIKE HE'S NOT EVEN HUMAN, JUST SOME WEIRD SOFT LIGHT BABY OR SOMETHING. I don't understand him. What is -

Oh right, I'm on a plane to Seoul.

I reached out to a few high-ranking news organizations in Seoul, informing them of the secretive messages I believe are being disseminated from videos like that of Baby Girlz's. While I was unjustly rejected from multiple publications, and the mocking rejections will be taped to the wall of my new apartment to remind me how the ruling classes will do anything to tamp down any trace of dissent, you can count on it, there were two that were interested in my tales. I accepted the offer from Courier, an online Korean tabloid that trades in some stupidities involving "dating scandals" (what the actual goddamn fuck is a dating scandal) but also has a robust backlog of questioning their surroundings. There have been quite a few articles about sudden lung sicknesses striking across South Korea, not to mention suggestions that there may be some brainwashing at hand in the K-pop industry. I will fit right in, I'm sure.

...if only I could find my way out of this airport.

Diary Twenty-five, Age 24
Courier Headquarters

The Real Reason for Baby Girlz's Disbandment
posted 27.6.2009
by Daniel Berman

It has been theorized and presented as fact by the multiple "reputable" news agencies in Korea that the leader and star of CM's Baby Girlz, ---, has been arrested for blackmailing a rival female singing star from the small agency Plie into moving their comeback, so as to not compete with the powerhouse girl group. However, the truth I have encountered is far more sordid than one could believe.

Those who have been following my work with Courier know that I have long trumpeted the mystical, dark powers of Baby Girlz. The women brought me into the country to continue my fight against supernatural takeovers of the human world, and I will continue to fight that fight no matter who is involved. The brainwashing abilities and the power these women had over the youth of our nation frightened me to an extreme degree. For once, I applaud the government for actually doing its fucking job. (For those of you who would like to read about the government not doing its job, please thumb over to Shin Se-young's series of articles about cult influences in local government. It's very well-done.)

That being said, I think CM knew that their star group had gotten too powerful. When magicks of that nature are being used so frequently on such a potent class of people, the magic user becomes almost impossible to wrangle in and control. The four members of Baby Girlz are basically the totems of South Korea, and their fame was large enough that a full-scale US debut was being rumoured. This obviously would have spelled doom for the world, as their magic, unfettered, would chain us all to the faerie realm for life.

--

I WAS RIGHT
posted 29.6.2009
by Daniel Berman

Of course I was right about Baby Girlz. Why else would CM Entertainment send me a cease-and-desist letter??

I can no longer write about the would be faerie overlords girl group. A sad day indeed for all loyal Courier readers. HOWEVER, I think we can definitely say that this is proof that CM is knowingly housing supernatural creatures, and definitely is aware of their global domination aims. Stay alert, compatriots.

--

Notes on the differing agencies, carried over from previous journal (summarized)

CM Entertainment - Baby Girlz taken down by "blackmail scandal"; more likely that brainwashing magicks of the girls have worn off and they need to be replaced posthaste by stronger magical users. Useless hip-hop boy group is clearly just made up of pod people. Not a brain between any of them. Pretty sure their leader is just a zombified corpse. Music sounds like someone shoving a knife in a garbage disposal. Inexplicably, they keep selling records. ?? New boy group forthcoming in the next decade - reported that two may have anger issues and argue consistently. Potential evidence of a vampire/faerie clash? Known that both races hate each other. Kunwoo Byun could easily be vampiric. At very least, is a ginger, thusly has no soul.

Sealight Records - Forthcoming co-ed group has very ethereal man in it. Seems to be some sort of alien prince. No read on the other members. d*cht remains vampires. No way that so many men can remain ageless for this long without drinking the blood of virgins. Sparkles makes some of the dumbest music I've ever heard, but at least they all seem to be human women. Except the leader. She's full blooded alien. Her eyes are red. I refuse to believe they are coloured contacts.

BOSS - Lmao they're being liquidated, probably will go under in half a year, serves them right. Alien-hoarding scum.

Diary Twenty-nine, Age 27
apartment

Kyung-mi: "You thought I was WHAT?!"
Me: "Well, you can't blame me for thinking that, right? You have an odd androgyny to you- -"
Kyung-mi: "I AM TRANSGENDERED, SHIT FOR BRAINS! An alien - I CAN END YOU! DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS?!"
Me: "...oh my god, I'm sorry, I -"
Kyung-mi: "You didn't seem to mind my parts last night."
Me: "...I really don't have any explanation."
Kyung-mi: "Closet case. GoodBYE."

--

...Diary, that was a pretty big fuck-up on my part. I like to think I'm better than that.

Kyung-mi was a very nice person. The kind of person that some people would say you want to settle down with, but I don't... I don't understand that. I really don't understand anything about how people react to me. I... I just need to know they aren't going to hurt me. I don't want to be hurt by another alien ever again, I can't get rid of the one from my past but I don't really want to get rid of the one from my past.

There is a religion with a theory - and the religion is just exploiting rational fears of alien co-habitation to get money, but the theory... that there was a war many years ago, and that war inhabited the earth's atmosphere with the dead souls of an invading alien race. Thetans. And this scam will take the Thetans out of your body if you put your nads on some electrodes or something, I don't have time for such traitors to the human race, but maybe... maybe Zim is my own personal Thetan. The being that's going to be stuck to my soul for the rest of my life.

Maybe that's why I can't let other people in. Or understand them. Or anything.

Something is blocking me.

I only felt bad when Kyung-mi was yelling at me.

That probably makes me a terrible person.

Diary Thirty-two, Age 29
Courier Headquarters

An Open Letter to My Employer, Posted on Their Front Page, Which They Gave Me Access To
posted 19.4.2014
by Daniel Berman

To the corrupt assfucks at Courier, my current employer and all-time pieces of shit -

How dare you. And may I say this again, HOW DARE YOU. Half of your feature writers submitted multiple articles pointing out the lies and hypocrisy in the coverage of one of the worst disasters in Korean history over the past four days, since the sinking of the Sewol Ferry took the lives of so many of our best and brightest young citizens, while the rotting souls of our country's worst left them to die in that ship. We have pointed out the many factual errors in television reporting - including that the government told families that everyone had been recovered from the boat before anyone even got there - and spoken about the fury being felt across the country about the government's continual lies. I understand the need to shield from libel, but that also doesn't explain why you have not posted one of our most gifted writer's interviews with a local fisherman who helped saved more than ten lives, or why an opinion piece on the nature of shared grieving has also gone unpublished.

What have you published in the aftermath of this horrible humanitarian crisis? Endless articles about dating rumours. You send your sasaengs out to take photographs of actors and actresses and idols - pay these stalkers to invade the privacy of them, even, I have receipts and you best not cross me on this one or anything else in this article because I am done caring about the longevity of your institution - during a time of national mourning, and clutter up the front page with news about Yuuri Katsuki or the Baby Girlz blackmailer or whoever the fuck else - NO ONE CARES. THEY WANT TO KNOW THAT SOMEONE OUT THERE IS ROOTING FOR THEM.

For the many people undoubtedly reading this and wondering if they are alone, no. You aren't. We are frustrated here too. We don't know who has dictated this veil of secrecy over such a volatile situation that would normally call for governmental transparency. I do not want to tell you that you may be reliving the callous ignorance of the Reckitt Benckiser group, who poisoned massive chunks of our country. I wasn't born here and I can feel the same rage over this that I feel over every useless war my country gets itself into and every cover-up it engages in, every demonstration of might meant to distract from the fact that every country is a clusterfuck run by corruption and held together by spit and the kindness of a select few.

But back to my employers - which one of your palms is being greased by some of Park Geun-hye's money? Which one of you wants to admit that you're silencing us and trying to keep the public in the dark? Which one of you wants to talk about how IdolGee! is trouncing us in views because you refuse to admit that the world has turned past your drivel in this instance?

Here are some pictures and facts about each of our editors, readers! Vote for which one you think is the biggest stinking donkey anus in the comments! (Fun fact: they probably all are.)

Comments have been locked.

--

I have been fired.

The article was deleted from Courier's front page, but it's quickly spread all over the Internet. They won't be able to bounce back from this, and they have become another target of rage for the violently upset public.

I cried today.

Not because I was fired. That sounds awful. It's just a job, I'll get another one. I have enough in money I stole from my father to live off of for a while.

It was for them. I don't generally cry anyways, but this... this felt so different than anything else I've ever felt. No one deserved that death. Absolutely no one. For everything I did, I couldn't save them, no one who's worked this beat, explored the facets of corruption in this government - they were all children. The vast majority of them, all children, and the adults running the show saved their own skins.

I know what people think I am. I know what I think I am. But I wouldn't have fucking left that boat. And I'm sure as shit not letting anyone cover up what happened there. And I don't know how they felt, I will never know how they felt, but the fact that they died in the service of someone's greed and selfishness - that will never be okay. That will never be what should happen, and I want to fight until that never happens again. Aliens, governments, fairies, whatever it is - everyone deserves a happy life.

I might not understand what constitutes happiness for others, but I can die fighting for it. --

Daniel -

You did something right for once.

But why did you write that? Did it actually make you mad on behalf of the people who died? Or were you mad because Courier shirked away from the truth? ...is that why you're always mad? It's been so long and I still don't understand how you can profess to be working for the good of humanity without understanding anything about humanity itself.

But you did something right, and even though you have a head full of grotesqueries and nonsense, I feel obligated to tell you that you did a good job. I hope you win a Pulitzer for your indignation. I hope you may have felt a flicker of empathy for those kids that died. I hope you didn't know any of them, and if you did, I hope that you're trying to find peace.

Diary Thirty-three, Age 29
Seoul Disney Store

My brilliant plan to glean information about this reputed record of an ancient intergalactic war... well, I don't know if it's working? Per se??

Look, diary, you and I both know to be wary of the soothsaying powers of George Lucas at this point. Anyone with a brain knows that the Gungan race is a noble lineage that was caricatured in a wholly racist manner to demonize them in comparison with far more dangerous, more humanoid alien types like the devilish princess of Naboo and the clearly evil frog man senator. Not the actual frog-like man, the Emperor. Palpitation or whatever. I don't learn about intergalactic dictators, that's how I strip them of their power in my head.

Naturally when I heard that a major corporation had bought the rights to his past visions, I had to get in on that. I applied to work at their closest location to me, in an effort to take some of this information for my own analysis, and... well, I am now working at the Seoul Disney Store.

I am also a costumed worker? It means that most days I spend enacting scenarios with the kids who come in and asking them the location of droids and Luke Skywalker. So far I'm mostly Darth Vader. I DID learn the identity of a prominent Resistance propagandist yesterday, one that I will be forced to dress like (the things I do for the truth). Poe Dameron? It is not a name that I think the Swollen Eyeball has in their collection of known anti-human conspirators. He does work for the traitor Leia, so this makes me wary of putting on his accoutrements. Being linked to such a man could ruin my credibility with the alien protection community at large.

The children are quite entertaining, however. I am apparently a gifted lightsaber fighter, and I was asked if ever trained with the Jedi. I told them the Jedi were no more, and they all got excited and loud and fought with me on that. I doubt the Jedi ever existed - Lucas really must've been on some sort of crazy cocaine when he dreamed up that stupidity about the Force joining everything on earth, even a beginning alien researcher knows that it's negative Thetan energy binding us to the universe - but they're fun. Makes me kind of wonder if this is how childhood is supposed to be.

There is a girl apparently who is to bring balance to the Force. Now that part I believe. We men shouldn't be trusted with anything in the universe. Why do you think aliens are constantly at war? All men. At least all the ones I've met. We're all idiots.

Diary Thirty-five, Age 30
IdolGee Headquarters

I know I said I was never going to write for corporate Korea again. You know how badly Courier and their goons smeared my name before they basically went under. I'm not surprised they were revealed as the cowards and sinners they are in the investigations into the current government. ...cowards and sinners they are, that sounds really grammatically weird. Maybe I need to do some more studying on that -

Shit. Sorry. Important news. Well, I turned down offers from a few web-based journalistic outlets after my small implosion on Courier. I couldn't trust any of them. I really couldn't. Not knowing what I know about the money that's been changing hands everywhere. As the new leader of Swollen Eyeball's Usenet group and Twitter account, my influence remains on the internet, being disseminated to the people most ready to hear it (RIP Agent Darkbooty). However... the Disney Store does not really pay enough money anymore for me to live in this apartment, and I've gone through most of the money I'd saved from Courier.

I could only pick a publication I trusted, obviously. Nothing as fluffy as Soompi, nothing with the terrible reputation of the Washington Post (the Washington Post! The newspaper that refused to see that Nixon was an extraterrestrial deep-cover terrorist trying to destroy the United States of America! They wanted me! HAH!). To that end, the choice was obvious.

I am now a part of IdolGee!. Yes, they still do articles on dating scandals (LET IDOLS DATE #LETIDOLSDATE2K15), but they remind me of how Courier used to be, before they were overcome with a singular level of avarice and greed. Also their owner seems stern enough to actually smack a government official in the face instead of give him a bribe. I approve.

I start tomorrow. It's going to be weird, having an actual job again. I guess I can stop hiding in bushes trying to figure out if Won Byeol is a Thetan projection. ...or at least get paid to hide in bushes and figure out if Won Byeol is a Thetan projection.

--

My initial impressions of the IdolGee! team:

- Luka Benikov-Jung: my boss. Probably don't slag him off. Seems really touchy. Maybe he just needs a hug.
- Hana Baek: a lot like Zim, which probably means that we'll end up sleeping together while she screams at me about how I have no emotions. Must ensure this doesn't actually happen. It's still a mess with Zim, I need to be as focused on the fate of the human race as possible. Though her face is oddly symmetrical - OH GOD WHAT IF SHE IS OF THE SAME RACE AS ZIM
- Uriel Choi: Cat alien. Must perform further tests.
- Jeong-Suk Shim: I deeply fear this person.
- Gilly Boo: Made the mistake of mentioning that I saw her sex tape and that I might still have it saved. I think my nose is broken. Maybe actually compliment her body next time?
- Hikaru Kingetsu: probably a living exhibit for the Met. I cannot prove that she is a fashionable robot but she barely talks about herself and dresses like she lives in Versailles.
- Eight: I still haven't actually met this person, but they take nice photos. I wonder if they've ever captured evidence of the extraterrestrial on their camera.

Diary Thirty-six, Age 31
Syndrome Club

Syndrome Club is always a wretched hive of nonsense. I followed a former trainee here, but they disappeared into the throng and ended up dancing with a blonde American woman who is apparently their friend. I've seen this woman online. She is quite clearly a human. So much for that lead. I need to come up with a new article for IdolGee, as my latest articles have not been well-received by the paranormal investigation community. Apparently the fact that I have not delivered any information on Siren's connections to mythical sea creatures is a sign that I'm 'making things up as I go along'. I am not making things up as I go along, I am just digging further into the life of her childhood best friend, the violin virtuoso -

I am on my second mojito. They aren't very strong. Syndrome Club isn't my favorite place to hang out, and it looks like Nico Seok was a dead end. Sigh. I need to figure out how to hurry up the research on both him, his exit from Sealight, and the remainder of Delilah. This thing tastes like mint garbage. God, how is this a popular club? I miss California liquor. That shit would get you -

Someone appears to have fallen in my lap. Maybe I should take Zim's never-ending advice and stop writing for now

--

Okay so in my lap is Nagito Komaeda. He is still in my lap even though I'm in an Uber. He is... in reaaaaally bad shape. Just in case something happens to him after I get him home:

- obvious bleeding from the left side ribcage, staunched as best I can using towels from the bathroom at the Syndrome Club.
- completely incoherent. No idea if he's drunk, high, drugged, or some combination of all three. I couldn't understand what he was saying earlier, and now he's literally being the most inappropriately flirtatious person I've ever met. I made him throw up and he seems a bit better, but I still can't make out what he's saying he drank. He's using a Japanese word I don't understand and am having a hard time Googling.
- bruises - maybe hickeys, but very purple - on his neck.
- bruises on his arms. Says he fell down. Fell down, my ass.
- I wonder if someone slipped him a Viagra or something. I am extremely uncomfortable.
- He seems like he hasn't showered in a few days. There's dried blood around his lips.
- some of my blood on his face, because I had to punch out someone trying to get in his pants. People are fucking disgusting.

He keeps trying to undo my belt buckle. It's getting a bit frustrating, but he is on another plane of existence. I just need to get him back to his dorm and call his agency's doctor. He is a mess.

Fuck, I don't want him to die, but he's not near the point of passing out. I keep forcing him to take a water bottle and drink from it, and he did throw up a few times, hopefully -

--

I have my journal back. Nagito threw it across the Uber to try and make out with me. The driver pulled over and he and I got Nagito strapped in with a seat belt in the row of seats next to me. I am giving him the biggest tip I've ever given in my life for all this.

He thinks I need to take Nagito to the hospital. I don't say who he is, but I did say that we need to get him home first, to get him to his family. Thankfully, the Uber driver doesn't seem to think I did anything to Nagito. Or to recognize Nagito at all. He is almost unrecognizable - his hair is a disaster, his face is bloody and pale, his voice is nothing like the way he speaks on TV, blending English and Japanese in a weird slurry.

Nagito keeps making explicit come-ons at me. And calling me some name I don't recall hearing in the bar - See-oo?? Who the fuck is that??? At first I thought he was telling me "I see you", but it sounds more like a name now.

I'm having the driver drop me off a block or so away from CM Entertainment. I can get Nagito home from that apartment complex.

--

En: "Get the fuck out."
Me: " - oh, is Nagito doing all -?"
En: "It's none of your business. Get. Out."
Me: "...is everything okay? Is -"
En: "Don't play dumb. I saw the marks. I know what you did."
Me: "...I didn't do those, I -"
En: "I heard him on the phone with you a few days ago! I haven't seen him since! You think I'm gonna fall for this?!"
Me: "...Look, I'll come back in the morning, when Nagito is awake, I think we'll be able to explain -"
En: "Oh no. No. You are not coming near Nagito ever again, Si-u."
Me: "...Si-u? Oh, wait, no, no I'm not -"
En: "...fuck, you smell like vomit - you gross fucking - FUCK! get the fuck out!"

--

Me: "...yeah, he was in really bad shape."
Hana: "Did you take pictures?"
Me: "...why would you ask that? He was badly hurt -"
Hana: "Hmm. How hurt? Would you say they were sexual injuries?"
Me: "Hana, he was bleeding. And out of his mind."
Hana: "Why don't you tell me who it is? A member of ST*R? Ooh, you're reluctant to say, though - VCB? Was it P. Charming? There's been rumours - oh no, oh! Were they underage?? That would be -"
Me: "I'm not telling you a goddamn thing."
Hana: "...oh, do you think you're noble?"
Me: "I do all this for the betterment of humanity -"
Hana: "Sweetheart, you work for a garbage tabloid. You smeared your last employer's name so badly they went under. You aren't any sort of noble."
Me: "You would've let him die."
Hana: "Stop pretending you care. We all know how much you actually care. Did you save him before or after he bled all over your shirt?"
Me: "So what should I have done?"
Hana: "You should have gotten a story out of him. You can still get a story out of this. You know who he is, clearly, and you got into his dormitory -"
Me: "I am not publishing anything about this -"
Hana: "But you'll publish your conspiracy theories -"
Me: "Better than speculating about the sex lives of children."
Hana: "What did you say?"
Me: "Don't insult me again. I'm sorry I brought this up -"
Hana: "I'll find out who you 'saved' - you probably just fucked him -"
Me: "He was incoherent. I'm not like you-"
Hana: "Don't you dare insinuate -"
Me: "THEN DON'T WITH ME!"
Hana: "I DON'T HAVE TO INSINUATE, EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE A FREAK, DANNY!"

Silence.

Me: "...get out of my house."
Hana: "Gladly."

--

Zim_S
Active 4 Minutes Ago
04:19AM

so i think i just saved this idol's life???


seoul is so weird sometimes

but man

Hello to you too, Daniel.


Isn't it like 4 am there?? Go to bed, your brain needs as much rest as it can get.


i just got home from taking care of the idol. they were in really bad shape.


like... bleeding? and covered in bruises. and so drunk they could barely speak.


Shit. Did you take her to the hospital?


no, that would have been a bad idea... you don't know what the paparazzi out here is like, home was best.


YOU KIDNAPPED AN IDOL?!?


no! absolutely not!!! his home! not mine! there's no room here anyways


...his?


yeah, it was a male idol. i don't want to name names, not really interested in destroying his career


...I'm glad you've changed since high school.


what's THAT supposed to mean????


I hope you two are very happy together.


This user is no longer accepting messages.

Diary Forty, Age 32
apartment

So all of the members of ST*R are gay. That's refreshing. It's certainly less eyebrow-raising than the idea that somehow Delilah are all sexless woodland creatures - because they are all sexless woodland creatures! They probably reproduce asexually after harvesting virgin blood and are going to keep multiplying and infest K-pop with all of these little elves. First K-pop, then the world! It's so obvious!!!

I really don't understand why I'm supposed to give a shit about ST*R's sexuality anyways. I already knew about Nagito. I hope he's doing okay. Ji-Ho can kick asses for him. One of the few people I trust to do that around here, I'll be honest, one of the few good ones fighting the good fight against invasion and subjugation to interplanetary menaces. I wonder if Nagito still has my toy lightsaber. I don't need it back but I just thought of that -

I still am unsure that Kunwoo isn't an alien. Or that Won Byeol isn't a projection of the Thetans occupying Nagito's soul. Byeol has to be a Thetan projection. There's no way someone can look that close to another human in the same industry without some body-jacking going on. I must investigate further - this new television show will have plentiful evidence of cosmic shenanigans, I'm sure. (His brother also is an alien if I ever saw one. His eyes. There's no humanity in them.)

Now I have to keep track of some third agency, too. BOSS? I swear they made saggy jeans in America in the 90s, but apparently that's another company. I refuse to believe this. I know what I remember!

The MAMAs remain an Illuminati-dominated event.

What other shit do I have to carry over from the last journal??? Hana is still a royal twat. I don't think she knows that I edited out a paragraph from her Ji-Ho Won expose that might expose her to a libel lawsuit. You're welcome, shitcakes. Ummm... I think I'm supposed to be having a meeting with the boss guy (not the BOSS guy - this is going to be fun, fuck) next week? Like a drinks meeting? I don't have a read on him, I think he's human but he's too cold to tell either way. Cat alien is still a cat alien and no amount of taking me to that goddamn fucking stupid fast food latte joint will convince me otherwise. I think I actually heard him yelp in pain when I stabbed that foam cat in the face last week.

...oh. Right. This.

--

Idiot K-pop worshipping moron -

How are all the children at your retail job?? I'm genuinely surprised you even sent me a letter. Isn't it more your style to get plowed and send me an incoherent Facebook message? I'm doing great, in case you cared. I'm working in the aerospace industry, designing planes. I keep adding knobs and levers and hoping no one notices that I'm just seeing how many times people say yes to me. I have power! It is brilliant. And you have none! Shocking.

But seriously, I am not surprised children love you. You're basically just a big overgrown child. No one will ever marry you, so maybe you should adopt a sniveling worm baby and fill its brain with all of your assorted garbage about the planets and magic and whatever.

My girlfriend left me, by the way. Said I was an idiot. She's clearly never met you. I'll send her your way.

I read your article about Delilah being the embodiment of nine of the star signs. What the fuck is wrong with you? You're the weirdest guy I've ever met. And for the record, Singsing is clearly an Aries, not a Libra embodiment! Libra is balance and flightiness, more of a Mii type. Singsing looks like she'll bite your head off if you mention her lipstick never matches her outfit. I think her stylist hates her. I would too. She's obnoxious as fuck. Lol why are we talking about K-pop? Why are you even in Korea? You know, you aren't banned from the biotech agency anymore. Pretty much everyone who hated you is dead or moved on. Your dad and sister are still here. She just got married to an FBI agent. I'm sure you'd love talking to him. He's just as weird as you.

I don't miss you at all, Dan. I never will.

Come back home.


Connections

Basics

Name While Dib's canon last name is Membrane, that seemed too eye-catching, even for a K-pop site. Berman is the last name of Dib's voice actor, Andy Berman. His sister, Gennifer, is Gaz Membrane; his father's name, Marshall Berman, has a similar sound to Professor Membrane.
Hobbies Dib, in the show, is a very obsessive paranormal investigator. To that end, his likes and interest all reflect an interest in the occult, paranormal, and supernatural. In the Invader Zim pilot "The Nightmare Begins", one of Dib's classmates explicitly states all he talks about is "aliens and ghosts and seeing Bigfoot in your garage!" (He was using the belt sander...) The episode "Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom" showcases that these obsessions never fully go away, hence why, twenty years past the age Dib was in the show, Dan is still driven to save the human race from coming alien invasion.

In the first episode, Dib is shown using a modified satellite dish to spy on the Tallest, hence his hobby of taking apart satellite dishes.

Dib keeping detailed diaries felt like the best way of translating his obsessive documentation of Zim, his alien nature, and his theories. Most of Invader Zim is extremely verbal, due to being a television show, but most of Dan's written ramblings match Dib's verbal ramblings. Dib tells Zim all of his theories about Zim's biology in Issue 6 of the comic book series.

Dib's fascination with the stars is spoken out in multiple episodes.

Finally, Jhonen Vazquez's hatred for fast food and the fast food industry is a common theme in all of his works, and Invader Zim is no exception. Dan's hatred of it comes straight from Vazquez's brutal satire of the industry exemplified by such grotesqueries as "Bloaty's Pizza Hog" and "McMeaties", both of which perpetrate countless food-based horrors on the people of earth.

Application

Sociopathy While it is not explicitly labeled as such in his app, ever, multiple people note that Dan does not seem to understand other people's emotions, even as he ostensibly works for the betterment of humanity. Dib is frequently showcased to be single-minded in his pursuit of Zim, often to the detriment of others (the actual pilot, where he starts a massive food fight against Zim without much concern towards what's going on around him, is a pretty good example; Dib's goading of Zim is what makes "The Wettening"'s plot escalate to the point of flooding the entire city; Dib HIMSELF finds his ranting boring in "Future Dib"; experiments on Gaz without any warning in "Gaz, Taster of Pork"; the comics provide more evidence of his lack of care, especially Issue 5, where Gaz is so infuriated by how little he cares about her interests and well-being that she literally punches holes in universes to torture him). Additionally, though Dib claims to want to save the Earth, he, again, does this to the detriment of the people he tries to save constantly. He derides everyone around him as idiotic or beneath him (the most obvious example is "Parent Teacher Night"), even when this isn't entirely accurate ("Battle-Dib" suggests his sister is, at the very least, on the same cunning level as Dib and Zim). He has the emotional range of a teaspoon, and most of his extreme emotions are only brought on when he thinks he's about to fail the Earth - and, related, himself; finally, it's definitely not out of character for him to flat-out leave troubled people if helping them won't do anything to stop invasions of Earth (see how he leaves the Rat People in the Mall Parking Structure in "Game Slave 2", or how he abandons Groyna to fight the pants zombies in Issue 8 once she tries to break her friend Sheather out of her brainwashing). Using all of these hints, and his generally abrasive personality, I characterized Dan as likely being a sociopath. His moral convictions, while strong, are almost entirely self-serving; he rarely, if ever, shows any emotion - the one exception is in the face of a human disaster that is the direct result of humanity's banal evil (much like how Dib is pretty damned horrified by Ultra-Peepi in "Hamstergeddon".)

Zim It wouldn't be an Invader Zim app without the Invader himself! While it's pretty obvious in this universe that Zim cannot be an actual alien, he has many similarities to the Irken - for starters, he is just as abrasive, even when he and Dan are on the same page (Zim literally teams up with Dib in "Hamstergeddon" while calling him all manner of insults); he possesses strong technical knowledge of mechanics (and adds "knobs and levers" to planes for no reason, probably to order people to "TWIST THOSE KNOBS" and "PULL THOSE LEVERS"); he has a friend with a G-starting name that he lives with intermittently (yay Gir!); and he has a weird codependent relationship with Dan ("Bad Bad Rubber Piggy" pretty much confirms that even with Dib near-death, neither of them will really die and they will eternally be locked in combat; the unproduced episode "Mopiness of Doom" has GIR tell Dib that his master straight-up "needs him"). The volatile codependence and rivalry between Zim and Dib is translated here as a toxic relationship that has never really ended. (Also, their voice actors seem to think that they're in love with each other, as they've ended readings of unproduced scripts with hand puppets of the characters full on making out with each other.)

Professor Membrane Dan's dad minimizes his son's actions and, based on Dan's recollections of his words, doesn't seem to care too much about the boy. This lines up fairly well with IZ canon, where Professor Membrane literally lets his son be put in an insane asylum while under the influence of one of his own inventions ("Halloween Spectacular of Spooky Doom"), lets him be tortured as part of a retribution scheme of his sister's (Issue 5 of the comics), and oftentimes addresses him as his "poor insane son".

Sex In "Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom", Dib is shown to be in fleeting relationships with three or more women over the course of his perfect life simulation; this, combined with his inability to understand emotions, is the basis for his string of one-night-stands and short-term romances.

Swollen Eyeball Dib is a part of this conspiracy theory network throughout the entirety of IZ, under the alias Agent Mothman. The organization is prominently featured in "Zim Eats Waffles" and "Battle of the Planets". Agent Tunaghost becomes the sole agent to reach out to Dan here because of her namesake's desire to help Dib in "Gaz, Taster of Pork"; Agent Darkbooty, much like in the show, is the assumed head of Swollen Eyeball. There is still the hint that the group is a bit annoyed with Dan, much as they're annoyed with Dib ("Zim Eats Waffles"). Given that this app takes place across three decades, Dib's inheritance of the group's moniker is just an assumption based on the passage of time.

Hollowing out his bones A literal plan from another invader, Invader Tak, in "Tak: The Hideous New Girl", is to hollow out the earth to fill it with snacks and present it as a gift to The Tallest.

The skoolkids First of all, Skool is literally spelled wrong everywhere that school is mentioned in all IZ media. Secondly, Dib's isolation from the other children in his school is highlighted multiple times in the show (notably "Room with a Moose", where the kids are so annoyed with Dib that he manages to use that annoyance to save them from eternal damnation in the ROOM WITH A MOOOOSE); that being said, they never explicitly bully him, citing his poor treatment of people different from him as not right and suggesting that they find him to be the Boy Who Cried Wolf ("The Nightmare Begins") and generally leaving him to his own devices. When things really start going south, skoolkids will team up with him to try and stop the madness (namely Torque Smackey in "Dark Harvest"). Gretchen is also implied to have a crush on him ("Tak the Hideous New Girl") and may be just as conspiracy-obsessed as him (Issue 15), contributing to the idea that Dib, were he to calm down a bit, would probably be generally accepted by the populace. This is why Dan is able to easily fit in, once he is uninhibited by alcohol, at the school party.

Principal Bitters Without Ms. Bitters around, this app would be NOTHAAAANG.

California Jhonen Vazquez is from Southern California, and grew up in the Los Angeles area. Dan, Zim, and the others are placed in San Bernardino, a city adjacent to Riverside and Los Angeles, because of its similarities to the sterile suburbia of IZ.

Star Wars You might not be aware, but Dan's FC is in a small film entitled The Force Awakens? They recently made a trilogy?

Quotes There are a lot of IZ quotes in here. Hopefully you find them all and enjoy them http://files.b1.jcink.com/html/emoticons/wink.gif

Things I know I'm forgetting a whole lot of connections but this app is like 10 K words already and I think you get the gist of this.

Intro

This is Daniel Berman, a strange American expat whose entire life is completely dominated by his drive to uncover the supernatural truth surrounding him. The world of K-pop and idols provides his constantly whirring mind with endless fuel for his theories, but... he's clearly a bit of a lunatic. He sticks out in every conceivable manner in Korea, as a six-foot-five white man with no filter and no sense of decorum whose favorite conversation topic is aliens, but where he doesn't fit in with his colleagues at IdolGee!, he does do pretty well as a glorified babysitter at the local Disney Store. He's convinced he's a few clues away from proving the existence of extraterrestrial life... we'll see if he's even close to right.

Friends

Although talking constantly about the supernatural can get pretty annoying, Dan is, honest to God, a very caring soul. Children absolutely love him, especially at his job at the Disney Store, where talking about finding aliens and fairies is pretty much par for the course and he comes off less as a crazy person and more like a very dedicated actor. Even outside of that side job, he doesn't tolerate people beating up on weaker souls, and will break up a bar fight just because he can't stand seeing that kind of violence. He's trustworthy, even if his methods in saving you might not be to your liking. Or discreet. More importantly, Daniel... doesn't grasp emotions almost at all. He does understand right and wrong, but he isn't quite driven the same way as others. Even friends will find him curiously off-kilter and may have to explain why others are upset at him.

Lovers

A lot of Dan's past lovers will tell you the same thing - he is fantastic until he starts talking. Anything physical, he's pretty up to task, and despite his complete lack of speaking social skills, he's a kindhearted soul who also happens to be built like a brick house and good at using his body to figure out information. Unfortunately, he follows this up by talking about aliens or fairies or the Illuminati or whatever. That being said, he's not great at romance and largely uninterested in anything that isn't research (read: having sex with people to figure out if they're vampires), but someone with a similar mentality to him could form some sort of bond. He has a tendency to fall for people who are absolutely terrible to and for him - angry tsunderes, competitive assholes, those kinds of people.

Enemies

Gee, who wouldn't be absolutely in love with a giant man screaming about aliens while drunk? Dan's personality is hard to deal with even on a good day, as are his various demons, so I'm sure that his enemies are mostly people who tried to be involved in his life and simply grew exasperated with him. He's confrontational and tends to crash media events, so I imagine that the owners of the various agencies aren't fans of him. Maybe even some idols are aware of him and think that he's dangerous? There's a lot of personality clashes that can happen here.

Others

I am really up for anything with Dan. It's Dan. He'll do anything.
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Penny
 Posted: Dec 29 2017, 01:36 AM
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Penny
@She/Her

@Maknae: vroom vroom i'm in me mum's car


accepted !!
Welcome to RE-BYE !! Your application has been reviewed by the admin, and we're happy to announce that your character has been accepted! Thank you for following the rules and joining the RE-BYE family.

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DAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What can I say that I haven't said to you already in PMs??? I LOVE this app. It's such a labor of love and it really shows. I love that you're playing Dan so serious, and I love that he's just so INTERESTING, and I love the little references to canon and things onsite and even some of our inside jokes... generally this appis just absolutely incredible and I'm sure everyone will agree!!!!
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Please fill out all of your claims completely so your character can be properly sorted.
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