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» you're my beginning and ending [cw], tag: kunwoo/zee!
eunji jong
 Posted: Jan 21 2018, 12:16 PM
quote
eunji jong
@lars

@staren: "Come back home, Can you come back home, 모든 아픔은 뒤로 해 여전히 널 기다려 이렇게, Now you gotta do what you gotta do" #istandwithroses


cw: frank sexual discussion


i found myself,
the whole new myself,

Jeju Island was so stunningly beautiful.

En and Kunwoo had planned to have their own escape from the increasingly intense world for a while, since they came out and were subjected to the nastiest kinds of words and retribution from all sides. Things now, though, seemed like they could actually be overcome. En had a tendency to focus on the negative, a deep need to lash out at anyone who would judge him for the way he lived, given everything he'd been through and everything this whacked-out societal structure subjected to him. He'd dragged himself up from inauspicious beginnings to become the nation's shameful secret, but... maybe that secret wasn't so shameful anymore.

They'd won an award. Technically Eunji won an award. But without Kunwoo, he wouldn't have written a song like Serendipity. Without Kunwoo, he wouldn't have ever written 75% of the songs he'd given to ST*R, stripped of their identifying pronouns and rejiggered to make the girls swoon. Serendipity was their song, and Eunji would never feel like that was his accomplishment. It was, however, the mechanism for their acceptance. Their performance earned them a standing ovation. The award earned him a standing ovation. People helped him up when he fell down on the stairs, so confused and shocked and overwhelmed with half a decade of emotion spilling out of him that his knees didn't know what else to do besides buckle. Serendipity was that song.

They earned the vacation, but that win put a lustrous glow over their activities. They did exactly as Kunwoo joked about - took photos to celebrate their engagement, having paid a fairly discreet photographer that En knew had photographed other idol engagements before, played around in the sand, went to a nice dinner with just them, not having to worry about who might interrupt them or what ST*R-related crisis might pop up while he waited for his sushi.

But now they were together. At their little vacation condo, right on the beach, alone.

Eunji didn't want to admit that there was one aspect of this whole thing that stressed him out beyond all reason. He... he didn't want to hurt Kunwoo.

He didn't understand how he could not hurt Kunwoo. He knew how sex worked. He wasn't an idiot (anymore). The things that Nagito explained to him, the way that certain items were used... it sounded so painful, and so wrong to what Eunji wanted for him and Kunwoo. He would probably break apart and shatter the second Kunwoo pulled him into his arms and the realization hit him that they wouldn't have to separate until they awoke. But there was an expectation. Every romance book he'd ever read played into that expectation, he thought as he finished brushing his teeth. He'd have to go out into the bedroom at some point.

He put the toothbrush back, pulling his hair back into a loose ponytail before exiting. "...sorry." Why was he apologizing? God, this was already going well. He could feel the tension in the room. It was taut, easily snapped, easy to turn into something dangerous and volatile.



TAG: @kunwoo byun
NOTES: I can't believe we're finally getting to do this thread omg


i'm also confused about what in this world is the real me...
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kunwoo byun
 Posted: Jan 31 2018, 12:20 AM
quote
kunwoo byun
@zee

@starkun: I can't believe it's already February. I hope you will cheer for me and our nation's athletes at the opening ceremonies this year. #gokorea


Their engagement vacation was a few months late, but Kunwoo knew from the moment the two of them had stepped onto JeJu Island that it had been worth the wait. A large part of him was still questioning why they were doing this at all- the trip wasn't exactly cheap, even if they were using part of the money that was gifted to them by the fans, and the timing wasn't wonderful. He should be promoting as a solo artist still, trying to sell more of the music that Eunji and he had worked so hard on; Nagito and Takumi were both just dipping their toes back into being part of the group again, and while they weren't fighting, there was still a heavy awkwardness that he knew as leader he had to help them work past...

But god, there was a small part of him that he was starting to listen to more and more that was sick of having all that weight and expectations shoved on his shoulder. It was the same small voice that reminded him that he'd put in plenty of hard work to deserve this break, that he and Eunji both had struggled and suffered enough in this lifetime to take a moment and celebrate their life together. He had thrown himself right into debuting by himself when ST*R had gone on hiatus, and Eunji had been working his ass off writing... they deserved this vacation for their sanity's sake just as much as anyone else in the group deserved their breaks.

The day was busy, filled with posing for engagement photos (that he was proudly waiting for his best friend to make fun of him for) and spending every second they could together. The two of them were still riding the high of Eunji's win from MAMA, and that in of itself was enough to ignore all the voices in his head and enjoy the time they had alone, even if the photoshoot took a bit to get used to. He wasn't used to people pointing a camera at him and not being expected to put on his overly sexy stage persona front and center; no one expected him to do anything but gaze lovingly at Eunji like he deserved, and Kunwoo couldn't even find it in himself to be embarrassed by how cheesy it all was.

This was something he'd been so sure he'd never have a chance to have, that he'd coached himself for years to learn to live without.

Though he had tried his hardest all day to keep any thought that didn't revolve completely around celebrating these moments with Eunji, it was hard to stop the reminder of who they were and where they were from creeping in. There were... certain other things he'd never entertained either, first when he realized he was attracted to another man and then again when he'd accepted that they'd never get to have more that stolen moments together; things that were expected out of relationships like theirs. In some places in the world, it would be strange that they hadn't already explored things like that before they'd decided to get engaged... it wasn't that unusual in Korea, at least not before they'd dedicated their lives to each other.

But he and Eunji had already done that. His life had been Eunji's for years now, even without the ring or any chance at a future.

It wasn't something he was unfamiliar with. Not that he'd ever done anything himself, but he'd heard others talk about it; he'd been there the first day that Takumi had done the walk of shame and knew immediately what was going on. He wasn't ignorant of how everything worked, even between two men. He just... wasn't interested. While other people his own age had started being interested in being intimate in that way, it had just never clicked for Kunwoo; he was willing to blame it on training, entering the training program at a young age and having that strict life held over his head, but hell, his best friend had a fucking child. At times it felt like the only two people not getting laid in the ST*R dorm were him and Eunji.

It wasn't Eunji's fault. When K looked at him, he wanted to give him the entire world, wanted to do whatever it took to keep him happy. He wanted to kiss him over and over again until their lips ached, and he couldn't possibly pull him any closer... but that was where his wants ended and the had-tos started. The want for more just wasn't there, and while he knew he could bring himself to do anything Eunji wanted him to, the thought was enough to make him dread the steadily sinking sun. Kunwoo was still staring out at the way the dark waves washed up on shore and thousands of miles away, trying to brace himself for what he figured was inevitable, when Eunji joined him.

He arched an eyebrow at En's apology and shook his head, pushing up from where he'd lounged on the floor while he waited for his fiance. It looked like he wasn't the only one feeling the less-than-pleasing tension in the air; it was hanging off of Eunji like an extra layer, and it just added to the frustration building up in his chest. Back home, there wouldn't have been any of this- the two of them would just lay on each other and watch television or talk until they fell asleep. Instead they're both walking on eggshells, and Kunwoo hated it, hated that he couldn't just automatically be what Eunji needed him to be.

He reached his hand out and pulled his fiance to him, resting his forehead against En's as his hands snaked their way to a comfortable spot on the older's hips. "What are you sorry for?" he mumbled out, talking quiet enough that it could be just theirs.

@eunji jong
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eunji jong
 Posted: Feb 6 2018, 11:28 PM
quote
eunji jong
@lars

@staren: "Come back home, Can you come back home, 모든 아픔은 뒤로 해 여전히 널 기다려 이렇게, Now you gotta do what you gotta do" #istandwithroses



i found myself,
the whole new myself,

There was so much tension in the room between them - not their usual angry tension, the kind of tension that built up when one of their fake fights cut a little too close to the bone to go ignored, but a choking sexual one. Eunji felt it keenly in the air, could see it being recognized in Kunwoo's eyes as it rose and threatened to swallow them both. Eunji had no doubt of what Kunwoo expected of him. The way he'd been swanning around in progressively tighter pants and skimpier shirts since they'd come out of the closet didn't leave a whole lot of doubt in Eunji's mind that Kunwoo wanted him. In a physical sense.

The truth of it all was, Eunji was terrified of sex. Sex had been the looming spectre over his life, the thing that made his mother a pariah, the original sin that made it okay for others to judge his existence, the assumption that made the early days of his relationship with Kunwoo volatile and frightening, the force that seemed determined to kill his roommate for so long. He could pretend that the main reason for his fear of it was that he didn't want to hurt Kunwoo - he didn't, but that wasn't the reality of it. He'd... tried to enjoy it by himself. He hated it. He hated the feeling of being inside something. He hated the feeling of having something inside of him. He hated that he had to purposely hurt someone he loved dearly and fully in order to give them some sort of "pleasure" that he didn't comprehend and never felt. He barely enjoyed the feeling of his own hand on most days, and while Nagito insisted there were things that felt good about sex, Eunji just nodded along with him on most days. That time they went through the embarrassing amount of sex toys that had been donated to him in the name of his fan club - Eunji hadn't even summoned up the courage to attempt to use even the most mild of those. All he really wanted was to rest his head on Kunwoo's shoulder and kiss his ear and feel the other man's fingers through his hair.

Kunwoo's actions after he apologized didn't make this any easier. He was all heat, all hands, fingers dancing around his waist, forehead touching his, those perfectly hooded eyes and that faded gray hair catching the moonlight pouring in from their window. So many people would pay so much money to be in Eunji's position in this very moment, and all En wanted was to flee it completely. His words, at least, were soft. He wasn't mad. He had to feel the air in the room; each of his actions were calculated to settle En that little bit, and En did appreciate it. En sighed, his eyes moving from Kunwoo's face to his dainty little toes. En did like footsie. He somehow doubted the man who proposed to him in the tightest leather pants in existence would settle for footsie from his fiance.

"...I can't do this," En admitted just as softly, not wanting to look at Kunwoo's face as it fell in disappointment. At least, En assumed it would be falling in disappointment any second now. "I... it has nothing to do with you, I love you, I love you so much. I'm just..." He sighed irritably, annoyed at words that refused to come out. The tension just kept choking him further and further, he had to say something and every thought he had would just make this worse! He separated from Kunwoo to run his fingers through his hair, forgetting about the ponytail holder until he failed at that motion, too. "God damn it -"

En yanked the holder out of his hair and took out all his frustrations by tying it back up again. "I know you're going to hate me and you're going to leave me but sex? Sex grosses me out. It grosses me out tremendously. I barely even masturbate. I hate the feeling of being in something, I hate the feeling of something being in me, I hate the pain of it, I hate that I would have to put you in pain, I hate lube and everything to fucking do with lube, I hate dildos, I hate the emphasis that's put on sex, I hate reading fanfiction of me having sex, I hate all of it." But even then, En couldn't bring his eyes up to face Kunwoo fully. "...and if you don't leave me... well... I... I could try. To be okay with it. For you. I... I just don't want you to be disappointed when I'm not okay with it."

Well. At least he didn't sound like a complete asshole. Kunwoo wasn't saying much at all, though. This... this might be it. The metal of his ring felt cold against his chest. He wasn't giving up the ring, even if Kunwoo left. He would never stop loving that man and he'd have to live with seeing how much En loved him for the rest of his life if he walked out now.



TAG: @kunwoo byun
NOTES: welp.


i'm also confused about what in this world is the real me...

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